End of September 2017 - In a bit of a daze

In a daze

Before I left the screening clinic I was told that I would be back in the clinic on 6 October for the results of my biopsy. The date became etched in my memory and I could not think of my life being anything past that date. I needed those results and I needed them now, not in 10 days, not in 1 day but NOW. Anyone who has been through the whole breast screening scenerio will tell you – it is no word of a lie when I say it felt like an entire lifetime that I was waiting for those results. The results that would ultimately tell me whether I could take a big sigh of relief and see it as a scary bump in the road of life or whether chaos and distruption would be brought into my life and change it forever. I was hoping for the former but the Breast Registrar's comments were confirmation enough to me that I would be getting the diagnosis that everyone fears - “you've got cancer”.

I spent the next 10 days in a relative haze of trying to carry on as normal as if the breast screening appointment had never happened and also stressing unbelievably about the fact that it was pretty nailed on that I had breast cancer.

I carried on working during this time period keeping the whole lump discovery a secret from work colleagues other than my Line Manager and HR. It was the sanctuary that I needed, I needed to carry on with some semblence of normality in my life even though I felt like I was treading water trying my best to keep myself afloat amongst the fear of screening results.

I started to think about my 40^th birthday coming up in August 2018 and would I ever get to see it? Would I ever get to have any kids of my own? Should I start making a will? Would I remember to give Gary the online log in details to our joint bank account?? Crazy stuff was running through my head!

I was only 39 I wasn't ready for a cancer diagnosis, I wasn't ready to face a complete bomb going off in my life. I just wanted those results!

Needing Support

Gary was a huge support in this time period listening to me wittering on and on about anything and everything to do with the lump and the impending results. He was also however, annoying with his ever optimistic outlook trying his best to convince me that I hadn't yet been told it was cancer other than the lump had been “highly suspicious.” In my anxiety filled head “highly suspicious = cancer!” You see that's one of the great things about Gary and I's relationship we wholeheartedly support each other through thick and thin.

As well as telling my family about my impending results, I also told a few of my close friends about the discovery of the lump and my fears and it was fantastic that they gave me great support.  It was weird however though as I felt like I was so different to them now, like I had somehow changed, that life was somehow different now.  Hard to explain it.  

I do remember going out with a close bunch of friends though to an Italian restaurant and it was good to talk to them about the whole screening process and my immediate fears of a cancer diagnosis.  They could tell I was worried but they still managed to make me laugh and smile during the course of the evening....after all isn't that what being out with your friends is all about?