It's Breast Cancer!
A day forever etched in my memory
How I managed to sleep the night before my biopsy results day, I will never know but I did, somehow I did. I woke that morning - 6th October 2017 - with a sense of trepidation and foreboding but also one that I knew would give me answers and a plan of action. Gary took the day off and my appointment for my biopsy results was at 11.30am with a further mammogram scheduled two hours beforehand. We got to the hospital early and made our way to the breast screening clinic once again. Although I had had family, friends and colleagues (the ones that knew I was going through breast screening) tell me not to worry about this day in the preceding 10 days up to it, I just knew that I was going to be told I had cancer. I just didn't know exactly what or how bad it would be.
I was called in for the mammogram fairly soon after arrival and like before, it was over very quickly...and still left my breasts with red marks from being squashed between the plates. I was then back in the main waiting room, waiting with countless other women for either tests, appointments or results. It's an odd scenerio to be in - you see the worried faces, the fear, the unknown but you also see the relief and joy from others - those who I would come to realise had either been lucky - they had a benign condition or they were coming through the other side of treatment.
Then the time came - my name was called by one of the nurses and we were led down two corridors and asked to wait in a little room at the end of the corridor and was informed that the Consultant would be along shortly. I remember thinking that it looked both clinical but also welcoming at the same time. After what felt like an eternity, in reality only around 10 minutes - the door opened and in came a man and a woman - both dressed in non NHS uniform and sat down. My immediate thought at this point was "Shit! It must be bad news - I've got 2 Consultants here" and my heart started to pound in my ears.
The man introduced himself as Mr Acuthan, a Surgical Consultant and the lady as Louise, a Breast Cancer Nurse. My instant reaction in that moment "OK, it's definitely cancer as there is a Breast Care Nurse here and one of those was mentioned on my screening day."
Mr Acuthan then said to me softly "I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this but the biopsy results confirm that the lump is a cancerous tumour." And in that moment my life was changed forever. My heart sank and I repeated in my head "I've got breast cancer. How is this happening? This can't be right - I'm too young." How I managed to keep myself composed and not burst into tears I will never know.
I remember looking over at Gary and for the first time I saw fear in his eyes and he went unusually pale. This was the first time that it had hit home with him I think, where he knew that his life too, was going to be changed forever.
I can't remember exactly what I said to Mr Acuthan at that point other than "OK, so what is the plan of action?" Mr Acuthan was very positive from the outset and went on to inform me that my tumour measured approx. 2cm, was Oestrogen Receptor Positive (ER+) with a score of 8/8 (in other ways extremely receptive) but was HER2 negative. He said that subject to an MRI, I would mostly likely have a lumpectomy followed by radiotherapy, however my tumour was also a Grade 3. At that point I sunk back in my chair with my arms folded to close myself off from the world. Grade 3 rung around my head like church bells and I thought that it meant that my cancer had spread. The BCN and Consultant were obviously on the ball as the Consultant said straight away - "Grade 3 is not the same as Stage 3. They are entirely different things. The grade tells us how aggressive or rather how quickly the tumour has the potential to grow, staging tells us how advanced a cancer is. At this point and until we operate and have the full results of the tumour biopsy we would not be able to Stage it."
I don't know why but at that moment I actually felt a little relieved - in about 2 minutes I had gone from a cancer diagnosis to how long have I got left in my head! I queried whether I would require chemotherapy and he said that they were unsure at this moment in time as it was a grey area until I'd had an MRI of both breasts and had seen the Oncologist. Again, I had that bit of relief in the notion of this "grey area", it meant in my head that they had caught this tumour at an early point and that I may not need chemotherapy.
Mr Acuthan then asked if he could examine my tumour area but then also got out a tape measure and was measuring around my back and across my abdomen area. I remember thinking "they think I've got ovarian cancer or something as well - why other wise would he be measuring me up??"
Mr Acuthan explained that he was measuring to see if I had enough muscle and fat tissue in the event of a mascetomy. I remember joking with him that I had plenty of fat in those areas and to my amazement he said "actually you haven't got enough". I turned to Gary, laughed and said "See, the Consultant says I'm not fat!"
Mr Acuthan went on to tell me that he was pencilling me in for surgery on the 18 October (only 12 days later!!) where I would either undergo a lumpectomy or a slim possibility of a mastecomy along with a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy and that an appointment would be made for me to have an MRI of both breasts (to check whether that were any other suspicious areas of potential cancer) and to see the Oncologist in that time for their opinion on whether I would benefit from chemotherapy before surgery.
At the end of the appointment, Louise the BCN, led Gary and I off to her room which was back through the main waiting room. I remember walking through that area in a daze and even when I sat down in her room, I still couldn't quite believe that I had not 20 minutes ago been told that I had breast cancer. I knew from this moment that the 6th October 2017 would be etched in my memory forever.
We had a good chat with Louise for nearly 2 hours and she explained a lot about the treatment process and also answered the multitude of questions that were bouncing around inside my head. I was given a MacMillan Cancer bag that had a raft of booklets and leaflets in from Breast Cancer Care, MacMillan and the NHS. I remember thinking that I just didn't have the head space at the minute to read those, I still needed to digest the very simple fact of "I've got breast cancer!"
It was a good job that Gary was driving as I had nowhere near the concentration for something as ardous as driving. My diagnosis just kept bouncing around in my head - "I've got breast cancer!"
I mean - just how do you get your head around being told something like that?
I was called in for the mammogram fairly soon after arrival and like before, it was over very quickly...and still left my breasts with red marks from being squashed between the plates. I was then back in the main waiting room, waiting with countless other women for either tests, appointments or results. It's an odd scenerio to be in - you see the worried faces, the fear, the unknown but you also see the relief and joy from others - those who I would come to realise had either been lucky - they had a benign condition or they were coming through the other side of treatment.
Then the time came - my name was called by one of the nurses and we were led down two corridors and asked to wait in a little room at the end of the corridor and was informed that the Consultant would be along shortly. I remember thinking that it looked both clinical but also welcoming at the same time. After what felt like an eternity, in reality only around 10 minutes - the door opened and in came a man and a woman - both dressed in non NHS uniform and sat down. My immediate thought at this point was "Shit! It must be bad news - I've got 2 Consultants here" and my heart started to pound in my ears.
The man introduced himself as Mr Acuthan, a Surgical Consultant and the lady as Louise, a Breast Cancer Nurse. My instant reaction in that moment "OK, it's definitely cancer as there is a Breast Care Nurse here and one of those was mentioned on my screening day."
Life changed forever
Mr Acuthan then said to me softly "I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this but the biopsy results confirm that the lump is a cancerous tumour." And in that moment my life was changed forever. My heart sank and I repeated in my head "I've got breast cancer. How is this happening? This can't be right - I'm too young." How I managed to keep myself composed and not burst into tears I will never know.
I remember looking over at Gary and for the first time I saw fear in his eyes and he went unusually pale. This was the first time that it had hit home with him I think, where he knew that his life too, was going to be changed forever.
I can't remember exactly what I said to Mr Acuthan at that point other than "OK, so what is the plan of action?" Mr Acuthan was very positive from the outset and went on to inform me that my tumour measured approx. 2cm, was Oestrogen Receptor Positive (ER+) with a score of 8/8 (in other ways extremely receptive) but was HER2 negative. He said that subject to an MRI, I would mostly likely have a lumpectomy followed by radiotherapy, however my tumour was also a Grade 3. At that point I sunk back in my chair with my arms folded to close myself off from the world. Grade 3 rung around my head like church bells and I thought that it meant that my cancer had spread. The BCN and Consultant were obviously on the ball as the Consultant said straight away - "Grade 3 is not the same as Stage 3. They are entirely different things. The grade tells us how aggressive or rather how quickly the tumour has the potential to grow, staging tells us how advanced a cancer is. At this point and until we operate and have the full results of the tumour biopsy we would not be able to Stage it."
I don't know why but at that moment I actually felt a little relieved - in about 2 minutes I had gone from a cancer diagnosis to how long have I got left in my head! I queried whether I would require chemotherapy and he said that they were unsure at this moment in time as it was a grey area until I'd had an MRI of both breasts and had seen the Oncologist. Again, I had that bit of relief in the notion of this "grey area", it meant in my head that they had caught this tumour at an early point and that I may not need chemotherapy.
Mr Acuthan then asked if he could examine my tumour area but then also got out a tape measure and was measuring around my back and across my abdomen area. I remember thinking "they think I've got ovarian cancer or something as well - why other wise would he be measuring me up??"
Mr Acuthan explained that he was measuring to see if I had enough muscle and fat tissue in the event of a mascetomy. I remember joking with him that I had plenty of fat in those areas and to my amazement he said "actually you haven't got enough". I turned to Gary, laughed and said "See, the Consultant says I'm not fat!"
Mr Acuthan went on to tell me that he was pencilling me in for surgery on the 18 October (only 12 days later!!) where I would either undergo a lumpectomy or a slim possibility of a mastecomy along with a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy and that an appointment would be made for me to have an MRI of both breasts (to check whether that were any other suspicious areas of potential cancer) and to see the Oncologist in that time for their opinion on whether I would benefit from chemotherapy before surgery.
At the end of the appointment, Louise the BCN, led Gary and I off to her room which was back through the main waiting room. I remember walking through that area in a daze and even when I sat down in her room, I still couldn't quite believe that I had not 20 minutes ago been told that I had breast cancer. I knew from this moment that the 6th October 2017 would be etched in my memory forever.
We had a good chat with Louise for nearly 2 hours and she explained a lot about the treatment process and also answered the multitude of questions that were bouncing around inside my head. I was given a MacMillan Cancer bag that had a raft of booklets and leaflets in from Breast Cancer Care, MacMillan and the NHS. I remember thinking that I just didn't have the head space at the minute to read those, I still needed to digest the very simple fact of "I've got breast cancer!"
It was a good job that Gary was driving as I had nowhere near the concentration for something as ardous as driving. My diagnosis just kept bouncing around in my head - "I've got breast cancer!"
I mean - just how do you get your head around being told something like that?
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